Thursday, May 14, 2009

Why does rejection hurt so much?

One of the hardest thing I had to do was to avoid the nasty things my nan would say to me. But after a while you can only take so much. I know my breaking point was when I was 15. Though all the years of the abuse, I had always had the thought that at any point that I could not take it any more I would be able to go live with my dad. For along time that was the one thing that was like the light shining out of the dark. One of the memories I had were of when I was with my dad and his wife and step sister at a home show when I was about 7. There was a beautiful house on display and my dad and his wife entered the competition to win it. While my dads wife was filling out the paper she said to me that if they won this beautiful three bedroom house then I could go live with them. I was so excited at knowing that there was that possibility.

I would picture that when there were nights that nan was in a bad mood. It for a long time was my escape. So after a couple of ears my dad moved to a house that my grandfather left him. This home had three bedroom. So I always had the knowledge that I could go there as there would have been room. Plus I had been told I was wanted there. So one night when I was 15 I got into trouble over something that I had done wrong. This night nan was extremely violent. I had a friend staying over. This friend of mine was someone who had grown up with me since I was 5 and was also going through something similar in her own house. This night I had reached my limit of how much more abuse I could take. So when my nan was in bed I explained to my friend that I was going to go next door and ring my dad to come get me as I could not cope any more.

So my dad came to get me. Of course my nan was outraged. This was the first time I had ever defied her to her knowledge. So the next couple of days at my dads I explained to him and his wife what I was going thorough. I also told them I was going to counselling at school to cope and that I did not think I could cope with it any more. So I then ask the golden question to my dad CAN I COME LIVE WITH YOU. These were the words I had not asked for so long because I was scared and I never wanted to have my nan think I was not grateful for all that she had done for me. Especially as she reminded me so often that I was not wanted. But I knew different I always had the thought in my head that my dad wants me. And this being the reason I stayed for 13 years of abuse. So my dad says give me time to think about it and I will get back to you.

The next day he comes to me and says "I have thought about it and you cant live here as we have only knocked out the wall to third bedroom and its not fair for your stepsister to have to share" He also said that I could not try to live there as an excuse for avoiding being punished for what I did wrong. I begged and pleaded and said that I would take any punishment from them that they had to offer but please don't send me back. But no matter how much I begged I was sent back. And gee did I get punished for having tried to escape. But none of that compared to the heart break of having the one person who I thought was my hero, turn his back on me. So my question is why does rejection hurt so much? I can only believe because when it comes from a parent these are the people that were meant to protect you not reject you.


  1. The possibility of rejection by my mother if she knew about the incest is what kept me in the incest for so many years. I was afraid she would do what you dad did. I was afraid that my mom either wouldn't believe me or that she would say the incest was my fault. I thought it was my fault at that time so why wouldn't she? When I finally told her many, many years later after being in a counseling group for about 4 years, she was shocked and she believed me. My mom lived the role of victim until the day she died. She couldn't see my pain because she refused to admit and look at her own pain.

  2. Dear one, I feel for your pain and I am so very sorry what you have endured. I am right there with you with the stabbing pain of rejection. Cuts to the core. Very painful. It is hard....and on my journey to freedom, I pray that one day it will not be as bad as it is now.

    ((((safe hugs))))