Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I own my own guilt

One of the things that I have always wondered is how have I been able to heal from this and other have struggled more. At first I have thought it was because my abuse was not so bad. But over the last few weeks I have read so many different blogs and have seen people who have endure less or more than me and they are all effected in the same way. I think when a child is shown any form of bad treatment they all have the same level of hurt. I have also seen so many people at different stages of healing and even read blogs that have documented some of those changes for these people and there good days and bad.

But one of the things that I have seen so many times is the guilt that each of them feel for what has happened. Some of this is due to the way the abuser has made them feel by making them think they could have avoided it. I think that is the part that most of these survivor's find the hardest to deal with is how to feel like you could have said no but didn't. The most important thing to remember you were at an age that you were always told what to do by a parent and you were told not to say no to your elders as its disrespectful. This can leave a feeling of having been disrespectful.

The strange thing that I had with my nan was when she was sober she was a beautiful lady so at least I had the knowledge that it was the alcohol that made her angry. But one of the things with our relationship was that she was very open about her life. She was also up front about subjects like sex and I was never made to feel like it was a taboo subject. I think the only problem with her was she hated men and there desires. Which is still sometimes a little voice in my head that says all men want is sex. But when I was sexually assaulted the reason I never spoke out was that at the age of 7 I had no idea what to say had happened. I had no words for it. So for fear of saying the wrong thing I stayed quite. It was years later that I finally realised what the words were and that I was right that it was wrong. But instead of forgetting it or burying it and not thinking about it. I chose to tell people. So from then on I would talk to just about anyone about it because I felt no shame. I was not brought up to have shame to talk about sex. I also had wondered if my nan had always made me aware of the subject of rape and assault when going through my teens as when she was a child she had been raped by her cousin when on a weekend visit with her family. She being brought up in an orphanage due to her mum dying young and her father was not able to look after her. So she would stay there and when ever he could he take her for weekends to spend with the family until he died himself. So when she had been raped she had the shame of returning to the orphanage and this was in a time that the nun's were able to get away with being cruel to children and they told her it was her fault it happened and that she must have done something to encourage it.

So I think my nan had always been able to make sure that I would never feel uncomfortable to talk about anything pertaining to sex. So I have always had the same understanding to anything in my life that these are part of who I am and not necessary my fault. I am a person that has nothing in my life that I would hide from anyone. I am such an open book even about mistakes I have made and choices I have made because I own my guilt not the other way. I have always had a saying that never judge anyone for things they have done as they are sure to judge themselves enough.

Plus who is to say that because a person has done one something before that it is who they are now. I think a lot of the people who had turned to drugs and crime when they were dealing with what had happened should never be judged as they had no idea how to heal. The most amazing people I have ever meet have beaten the odds and broken free of these habits and lifestyles to be able to deal. I do admit that I find it hard to be around people who are still living those lifestyles and are what I still victims. I find there weakness to hard to be around. I have always wondered if this is due to fear of me showing mine or fear of it rubbing off. I do know in my personal life I have surrounded my self in survivor's as this gives me so much strength. I feel the power of there strength and thrive on it. I also love being around people that are developing and growing as they can still remind me that we were once weak but we have survived.

Anyway I have kind of gone off on a tangent. The point I was getting to is don't let guilt for what happened to you be your abuser now. You have the power to know and believe that what happened to you was not your fault no matter how much they groom you. That is their game, that is their sick way of justifying themselves. Talk to people about what happened even if you have to do it through blogs and other ways. Its ok to not be ready to talk to loved ones as they will be the hardest ones. Because what they think will matter but if they understand and love you enough they will be as saddened by your experiences as you. For many also it may give your loved ones a complete understanding of who you are and why you are the way you are. Because we think we can hide it but it will never go away it will always be under the surface. We will always remember. There will always be triggers. The only thing that hopefully change is our perception of how we feel about it. Own your guilt don't let it own you.

Plus I wanted to take this opportunity to say I am sorry. I had been made aware that just because I am such an open book that it does not mean that everyone else is. I had hurt someone I love by talking about something that they had rather told people or had a choice to tell people. I had not done it with malice. I had also been sure that I had only told someone that I knew would understand as they had been through something similar. I would never have told if I knew that person would do anything harmful with it. But I took away the victims right and control. I had the stupid assumption that everyone is an open book like me. But in effect I was opening some wounds that were not fully healed yet. That was the physical people in my life. Also for anyone that I comment to on their blogs if I say something that is hurtful to hear, then please let me know as sometimes I have to be reminded that they are not as open and ready talk about certain things. I do try to make an effort if I know that my comments would be to raw and hurtful as I would hate for anything I say upset anyone. There have been enough people in your lives to do that. I am giving you the right to at least be able to stand up to me and say no more.

1 comment:

  1. 'we were once weak but we have survived' I love this line you used. As I write my book and remember,I feel what I felt when everything happened. I hate those feelings but it seems to be part of the package of moving forward. Keep writing. Keep sharing. Sarah