Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Healing and feeling loved

Today so many of the blogs I have been drawn to read have all a subject that is reflecting something that is happening in my life at the moment. Having this information has helped me see what I needed to know to get through this time.

I as you have read so far was subjected to a childhood of verbal abuse and had found ways to be able to function and live a happier life. But the problems that the abuse had always been under the surface.

I am now dating a man that has a beautiful heart and has put more effort into this relationship than any other I have ever had. But there is one problem. He was also from an abusive childhood and his consisted of verbal and sexual abuse. For him he learnt to turn his emotions into anger. He never looked at the positive and always used anger to show any emotion. Then over the years he attracted so much negativity to him in experiences and relationships. His last relationship was an extremely negative relationship. His girlfriend was so angry at him and would belittle him and make him feel even worse about himself than he already did. Even to the point that he started to believe that he deserved it. So one of the first things is I asked him did his ex have any friends. She did, so to me not knowing her I made some guesses about why she was so angry at him. She before him had been married and 6 weeks after the wedding she discovered he was gay. Now she has a great friendship with her ex and his partner. So I asked my boyfriend did it occur to him that she might have been angry at her ex for hurting her but she could not hate him. So she effectively hated her boyfriend. He began talking of times that when the ex was there she would not touch him and she kept her wedding photos all around the house and still had a wedding photo of them in her draw next to the bed 4 years later. I got him to perhaps look at it all from another angle and perhaps understand why she was angry for no apparent reason. I wanted him to see that it was not his fault that he did not deserve this.

This had all come about because when my boyfriend was getting insecure or down on himself he was getting angry at me. It often would be such a small issue but blown out to be so major so I knew it could not have been the real issue. I had learnt to see that in most people (not all but most) that they often hurt people to feel better about themselves. Most people do not understand that is what they are doing. I know now with the abuse I received was my nans way of dealing with what she had experienced growing up. I also excepted that I had what some would call forgiveness about it. I was reading a Lady's blog yesterday about forgiveness and I will link it on this blog because she bring up such an interesting point about forgiveness and what it means. She was saying is forgiveness the right thing to give a child abuser or a murderer or pedophile. If we give them forgiveness are we giving them a sign to say that what they did was OK. So I suggested would a better thing to say is I give understand to why it happened and now have strength to no longer allow you to do it any longer and I will never believe what you did was OK. As thats how I healed.

So when my boyfriend was getting angry at me I had discovered that it was a trigger of my former abuse. I have been able to live a normal and happy and successful life. But I have blocked all negativity out of my life. If something bad would happen I would focus on the good from it and throw away the bad. It had worked for me so far. So when he started to get angry at me I at first would argue back and then over the weeks I noticed a change in how I reacted till this week I withdrew. I became that child from years ago that had been abused. I then had to make a decision about what to do. The way I felt was that I could walk away now as I had to save myself. But when I started to read the blog about forgiveness I started to see what my boyfriends problem was. He had not believed he was worth loving and had believed that all the bad treatment he had received was because he deserved it. So when I told him where my head and heart stood he asked me what he needed to do to fix it. So I explained what he was doing to me. He was horrified that he was hurting me so much and he started to look at why he was doing it. So I explained he was doing to me what his ex did to him and that was punish the other person because of how bad he felt about himself. He asked what to do I said you need help but not for me but for you. I left it up to him. This was a test to see if he really wanted help because if he was not ready he would have not tried. First thing this morning he went and knocked on doors and found a councillor. So now we are both getting help him to learn how to let go of the anger and be strong and understand all that has happened and me to learn how to deal with my trigger.

So after all this had happened I read this ladies blog again and her new entry was about a stranger showing her love and compassion for her pain and suffering. Even though her own husband could not. So i commented that she got sent that strength when she needed it most. Then I went to the next blog and found another lady talking about her hunger for acceptance for when she had been going through her pain and she had found her strength at her lowest from god. That for her was what she needed to feel love and accepted and was able to use her teachings to heal.

So what I am trying to say is that at this time in my life I have been given my guidance by survivors and I would like to thank you all so much. Also would like to thank the angels that helped me find this information because the reason I started looking had nothing to do with what I found. They put me on this path even before I knew I needed it.

These are the links for the blogs I found inspiring.

Warning the lady who blogs these is very open and raw and some may take offense to her words so please read with caution as she has an amazing and insightful person and is worth listening to.

The first blog I would like you to read

Then this one

Then this is also an amazing lady even though I don't have the same spiritual belief as her I can still understand where she gets her strength from.

So thank to you amazing and wonderful people for being there for giving me answers I did not know I needed at first.


  1. bless you kiwispirit. Stay strong. You are a special and wonderful person. Sarah

  2. Thanks Kiwi. I've only come upon this entry just now, so I'm sorry I'm so late in replying. I appreciate you very much. I'm glad these words do good! :)