Why does rejection hurt so much?

One of the hardest thing I had to do was to avoid the nasty things my nan would say to me. But after a while you can only take so much. I know my breaking point was when I was 15. Though all the years of the abuse, I had always had the thought that at any point that I could not take it any more I would be able to go live with my dad. For along time that was the one thing that was like the light shining out of the dark. One of the memories I had were of when I was with my dad and his wife and step sister at a home show when I was about 7. There was a beautiful house on display and my dad and his wife entered the competition to win it. While my dads wife was filling out the paper she said to me that if they won this beautiful three bedroom house then I could go live with them. I was so excited at knowing that there was that possibility.

I would picture that when there were nights that nan was in a bad mood. It for a long time was my escape. So after a couple of ears my dad moved to a house that my grandfather left him. This home had three bedroom. So I always had the knowledge that I could go there as there would have been room. Plus I had been told I was wanted there. So one night when I was 15 I got into trouble over something that I had done wrong. This night nan was extremely violent. I had a friend staying over. This friend of mine was someone who had grown up with me since I was 5 and was also going through something similar in her own house. This night I had reached my limit of how much more abuse I could take. So when my nan was in bed I explained to my friend that I was going to go next door and ring my dad to come get me as I could not cope any more.

So my dad came to get me. Of course my nan was outraged. This was the first time I had ever defied her to her knowledge. So the next couple of days at my dads I explained to him and his wife what I was going thorough. I also told them I was going to counselling at school to cope and that I did not think I could cope with it any more. So I then ask the golden question to my dad CAN I COME LIVE WITH YOU. These were the words I had not asked for so long because I was scared and I never wanted to have my nan think I was not grateful for all that she had done for me. Especially as she reminded me so often that I was not wanted. But I knew different I always had the thought in my head that my dad wants me. And this being the reason I stayed for 13 years of abuse. So my dad says give me time to think about it and I will get back to you.

The next day he comes to me and says "I have thought about it and you cant live here as we have only knocked out the wall to third bedroom and its not fair for your stepsister to have to share" He also said that I could not try to live there as an excuse for avoiding being punished for what I did wrong. I begged and pleaded and said that I would take any punishment from them that they had to offer but please don't send me back. But no matter how much I begged I was sent back. And gee did I get punished for having tried to escape. But none of that compared to the heart break of having the one person who I thought was my hero, turn his back on me. So my question is why does rejection hurt so much? I can only believe because when it comes from a parent these are the people that were meant to protect you not reject you.

Is this the truth or just the alcohol talking

Many a night the constant thing that my nan would tell me was that I was stupid and that I was never wanted and that nobody loved me. For a long time I would believe these things. And even now though I have done a great amount of healing I do still have a bad day perhaps once a year when I do truly believe all that I was told. One of the hardest things to have to deal with when my nan was drinking was when she would talk about my mum. Because I had no memory of my mum I had no idea if what she would tell me was true or not. Even at a young age my nan told me that my mum had cheated on my dad and that she has also worked in a massage parlour. When every time I had asked my dad why they had separated he would say he could not remember. One thing I have learnt now is even if that had been the case there was no need for me to know those things that she had told me. To this day I will never know what benefit my nan made from sharing these things with me but I can only assume it was so that I would not ever feel like I could have been better off with my mum or even any where else. But the sad thing was that the alcohol had altered her perception of if this was something I needed to know or not.

Being to scared to say anything

Most night I had to try and avoid my nan from getting angry. This sometime was an extremely difficult thing to do because even a simple this as answering a question could have caused a flare up. I can recall one of the worst thing I could do was correct her. One night we had just finished dinner and she asked me to put the margarine in the bin. Now knowing that it was almost full I asked her if she meant the fridge. That was the worst thing I could have done as it then enraged her and for the next following hours I was told I was stupid and that no-one ever loved me. Also for the rest of the night no matter what I did it was not right. So slowly over the years I learnt to watch everything i said to avoid making her angry. Some days it worked others she would start on the smallest thing. For allot of my adolescence I was a very quite child and even out side of the home I kept to myself allot as I was so scared that everyone thought I was stupid when I opened my mouth.